The self check out lane

  It's not rocket science folks, just follow the instructions and you'll be just fine! I really do try to keep a sense of humor about my job, but some nights the idiots are out to get me! I think there should be a basic list of rules you need to read before you walk over to a self check out area.

• Do not try to operate this machine if you're drunk. Even though it's funny to watch you stumble over the pushing of the screen and the trying to open the plastic bag (that in it's self is hard enough when you're sober) you're only going to get mad at the attendant when we tell you to follow what the machine is saying. Oh and we have to do this with a straight face because you're drunk and we're easily amused!
• The machine works on a scale. The bar code has a weight attached to it. If you're going to try to scan 1 item and put two in the bag an alarm will sound and we will loudly tell you to only put in the bag what you've already scanned. We're sure you're not trying to steal.
•  If you're not going to listen to the machine and you're not going to listen to the attendant when we try to explain, then just keep moving along, none of us need the aggravation.
• Please realize the machine can't hear you when you talk back to it. Although it amuses me and makes my night go faster, so by all means, please carry on your conversation. 

 To all the people who zip through the self check out with breeze good for you! I'll smile and really mean it when I tell you to have a nice evening.